How Am I Feeling?

I get that question alot these days and rightfully so, I am blessed to have great friends and a wonderful family that cares about me. Hell, I can't get mad at people for asking, I ask myself everyday how am I feeling!

Years ago my best friend lost her beautiful son shortly after giving birth and I remember at the time how incredibly sad I was for her, but people are right you don't really get it until you go through it yourself and even then you don't really know what they've gone through because everyone is different. I asked her recently how did you get through it and she said, what I have learned from other bad things that I've been through that time helps but the wow moment came when she said, Laurie you are getting through it and she's right, I'm getting through this regardless if I want to or not.

Every morning I wake up, I shower, I get dressed, I eat, I hug Sloan and Drew and tell them I love them and then get through the day. Am I sad? Yes, I am more sad then I probably ever been in my life and I cry alot too, and it comes from nowhere and at no particular time. Everything is still a constant reminder of my girls being gone. My body is starting to feel normal again but for weeks as my body was still recovering I had to be constantly reminded that my girls were gone. As much as I wanted to feel better again I knew once I did it would be another end to what had happened.

Endings are hard, after giving birth, after the memorial, after friends have left the house, after Drew goes back to work, etc., again reminders life goes on regardless if you want it to.

Then there are little things, like Sloan going back to school next week, in my mind I had thought of this time and I would've been 7 months pregnant, or when the fall festival was going on I would've been ready to pop or when Sloan went on her girl scout camping trip I'd have to stay home because it was on the bubble of me giving birth or the fact we were going to stay home and have Christmas alone because we didn't want to travel with the girls yet. I know as those events happen its going to be hard for me.

Its also extremely hard for me to go out, everywhere I look there are pregnant women or people walking with strollers and I can't help but feel sorry for myself and think why not us, why aren't they here? The worse so far was going to the fair last night getting stuck behind a couple with identical twin baby girls and then 10 minutes later not being able to get away from a baby that wouldn't stop crying. Lets just say my body or (boobs) were responding pretty heavily to this crying baby and again its just another kick to the gut.

Everytime a card comes to our house or someone sends flowers its a reminder of the loss. Hospital and doctor bills the size of a mortgage (yes a mortgage that could buy a beautiful house in Zionsville) with nothing to show for is a reminder. The reminders never seem to end.

I am sad and then get angry and I go from 0-100 in a matter of minutes. I can't help but think at least 100 times a day I should still be pregnant, I should still be feeling the babies kick and move, I should still be bitching about heartburn and swollen feet and my family should still be excited about how great its going to be to have 2 little girls in our lives. What about all the pretty clothes in their closets (that I can't bear to look at) and late night feedings and fights over whose going to change their diapers? What about our plans to buy a new swing set or playtime in the blow up pool? What about their first day of preschool and Christmas programs and what about worrying about how we're going to pay for them to go to college?

I thought it be easier, I didn't have time to know them like I know Sloan but its just as hard, I knew them, I carried them, I loved them and I had the same hopes and dreams for them. Can we have another baby, of course but they won't be Harper and Nora. Am I grateful for Sloan, yes, I always have been, but I'm still sad about our loss. I know I'm still basically the same person now as I was prior to this, if you're my friend and I know in my heart you're my friend if you ask me how I'm doing I'll tell you, but if you knew me in 3rd grade and haven't talked to me since but asked me on facebook how I'm doing I'll delete my account and become that more private, that's nothing new. Will I get what needs to get done and be a good mom and wife, hell yes, but will I scream at you out of the blue when I've held it in for too long, of course, I am still basically the same person I have always been all my life. I'm stubborn and if you expect me to act a certain way I will probably act the opposite way just in spite of you, but will need you even more if I have always cared about you, but you gotta let me do it my way. (I'm a pain in the ass remember)

So how I am feeling? I'm getting through this but its going to take time, how much, I don't know, but I do know this, as much as I am the same person, the old Laurie will probably never come back, I already know I've changed because of this, and can only hope everyone accepts the new Laurie.