I'm all about what's new for the season in fashion and am the first to say what the heck, I'll wear a maxi dress or sure I'll give it a go with some gladiator sandals but a jean purse! No! No! No! I'm sorry denim bags weren't cool in the '80's and they are certainly not cool now. I don't care if Marc Jacobs or Miu Miu attach their logos in diamonds across it, its so bad!
What do you think would you carry a denim hobo bag?
I went to the doctor's for my follow up visit last week and as I expected the doctor told me that all my parts were back where they were supposed to be and physically I appear to be doing great.
We talked about why things might of happened and there are really no clear answers to why it happened. The girls were in perfect health and she believed the sac just broke which can happen when carrying multiples. She believes when the sac broke it caused the placenta to become infected which is why things ultimately went bad.
We talked about the possibility of us conceiving again and she told me there was some good news and bad news.
The good news is I was cleared for sexy time now. (Good news???)
More good news we could try having a baby in approximately 6 weeks. (The verdict is still out but yes good news.)
The bad news is if we conceived again we couldn't have "sexy time" for the entire time I was pregnant. (Bad news?)
She told me because I was a by the book pregnant woman that the next time around she was taking everything off the table that could possible cause anything to go bad (hence the no "sexy time" rule) and reassured me that the chances of what happened is less then the 1% chance of it happening in the first place.
On the emotional front, I feel like I'm feeling a bit better everyday, although there are times I break down for no apparent reason, it seems to come from left field, like a punch to the head. I'm heart broken about losing my girls but I'm trying very hard to look toward the future and concentrate and the many things I have to be thankful for, mainly my family and friends.
Anyways, if you try to get ahold of me in the next 6 weeks and you can't it probably means I have told Drew about the doctor's good news and bad news and he has locked me in our bedroom to take full advantage of what he thinks is bad news!
I have not had my hair cut or colored since May. The cut part I can deal with the color part, not so much. I had an appointment in July but had to cancel the appointment because I was in the hospital. Thankfully I have an appointment tomorrow. Of course then comes the uncomfortable moment, one I hadn't thought of until I went for a pedicure yesterday.
I sat down yesterday for my pedicure and the lady asked me in her unbroken english, "oh you have baby already?" It didn't even dawn on me that I would have to explain the situation to people because I just assumed everyone knew. Talk about making someone feel awful, I think I felt more bad for the girl who asked me the question and I know I'll have to face that akward conversation tomorrow.
Anyways, I told Drew how excited I was to get my hair done tomorrow and he replied...
Drew: Laurie, I thought you were letting your hair grow long again?
Laurie: I am, but I have to get it trimmed but more important I have to get rid of all these gray hairs.
Drew: (Smirking) Oh, I thought those were highlights, I thought they looked good!
Laurie: Good answer smart ass but we still can't have sex for a couple more weeks!
This fireplace has stressed me out (ok everything stresses me out) since I moved into this house over 4 years ago (I know I've lived somewhere over 2 years) and finally it no longer looks like I need a hunter green camel back sofa with burgundy curtains with gold tiebacks in the room. I hated these black shiny bathroom tiles on the fireplace and its finally been re-finished with the slate tile I've been longing for since moving in.
Stay tuned my creepy Silence of the Lambs bathroom downstairs is almost done too! Its really like Christmas in August for me!!
Today Sloan starts the 6th grade and I am like every other parent when I say where has the time gone? I can't believe my girl is in the 6th grade when I was just in 6th grade myself! Sloan has been ready to go back to school for a few weeks now but last night she "developed" a stomach ache and this morning she got a little teary eyed and told me she was nervous. I'm not sure why she would be other then she's my daughter, but honestly she's been going to school with the same group of kids for years now. (Maybe she thought picking the while uniform polo with 4 buttons was a mistake)
I know tonight at dinner I'll hear what shoes and backpacks all her friends had because at Catholic schools its all about the shoes and backpack. I'm sure its no surprise that Sloan picked out a peace signed messenger bag and a pair of Converse to wear today.
I'm a bit bummed today, its one of my milestone days in my head, the one when Sloan goes back to school I'll be 7 months pregnant milestone. On the last day of school last year I pictured me walking Sloan into class proudly displaying my belly and saying hello to the teachers. Instead I elected to drop Sloan off at the front door and go for a 4 mile walk by myself and cry while I listened to the Into the Wild soundtrack. Sweat and tears is almost as good as a bottle of wine I have to admit!
I'm feeling better now and anxious to hear about how Sloan's first day at school and kickball practice goes and whether she got embarrassed by the card I put into her lunch box telling her how much I love her!!
As you see I posted a photo I found of Sloan and I on her first day of preschool, I posted one of her by herself at preschool last year but this is one of Sloan's favorite photos that she keeps in her room. The other two photos are of her today, one taken for me so I can send to grandparents and the other one for Sloan's collection of peace-signed poses!
Yesterday, I had to drive to Zionsville and pick Drew up from the Progressive office because he was dropping the Acura off to have fixed. (Goodbye $500.00 deductible) I was close to running late because it was one of those mornings where truly everything goes wrong. I'm trying to get Sloan ready for school and get her all her books and appointments taken care of and with each phone call I make it requires me to make 4 more phone calls.
I had to get Drew at 2:00 and noticed it was close to 1:30 so I stopped what I was doing and jumped in the Jeep. Dammit, I'd forgotten I wanted to get to the dump in the morning. My jeep was filled with an old door and a ton of cardboard boxes that were from our bathroom renovation. Why do we have garbage in the jeep do you ask? Oh heaven's sake people, our garbage men don't collect that kind of garbage they only take 7 BAGS of garbage a week. (Another job I'm thinking of applying for if I don't get on the police force!)
So there I am in my Jeep, loaded up with garbage and as I'm driving I hear the wind blowing quite strongly through my car. I look and notice the back window is down so I push the automatic window to close it and what do you know, the window doesn't go up!! (The back window power window is broke!)
Ok..so now I'm driving to Zionsville with the wind whipping through the car loaded up with garbage, Yee haw!! I get to Zionsville and am about 2 blocks from the Progressive office and I notice my jeep is swaying to the right and then all of a sudden my jeep gets the familiar bumping feeling when you have a flat tire. (Here's the part when I want to kill someone.) As I'm trying to turn into the gas station I have 3 cars slow down and mouth to me and point to my tire and say, "You have a flat tire!" (Really???!!!!! Is that why my car was vibrating across the road with sparks flying, seriously does anyone really need to be told they have a flat tire!!)
At this point really I'm just done I have thrown up my hands and have truly just given up. I call Drew and tell him what has happened and he said he'd be right over. As I'm sitting at the gas station looking across the street at the Super Target in front of me it dawns on me, I'm in Zionsville, the city I should be living in if it wasn't for the crazy lady who decided to sue me this year a day after we put a $5,000.00 deposit down on our home lot and ended up not getting the house for fear we'd lose our current house in the lawsuit and then paying over $10,000 in lawyer fees and a settlement. If I wasn't done 5 minutes ago before realizing this now I'm really done and about ready to start crying right there at the gas station. 2009 has sucked ass!
Drew luckily gets there before I hold up the gas station or highjack someone's car and he has decided to just bite the bullet and got a rental car. He changes my tire and the whole time he is cracking jokes and takes the attitude at this point Laurie we just have to laugh at ourselves because this crap doesn't happen to anyone else. He proceeds to change the tire but not without getting grease all over his hands and shirt. When he is done he tells me to take the rental and he'll take the jeep and head over to the dump to get rid of the garbage.
He gets into the jeep filled with garbage with the broken window with the grease all over his hands, shirt and now face and winks at me and says in his best Nascar twang, "Baby, I bet you've never wanted me so badly!"
Funny thing, he's absolutely right!
Sloan and I were on our way to get her 6th grade immunizations today. We were sitting at a red light at 21st and Arlington, which I will add, not the safest place in Indianapolis, when a car slammed on its brakes and hit us extremely hard from behind. (Sloan is fine, and I just have a headache) As quickly as the man hit me was as about as quick as he was backing up and heading the opposite direction.
I called the police and told them about the accident and waited until they came. Once they got there I told them the man was in his mid 30's, medium built, wearing a white t-shirt, was black and was driving a green '93-'94 SHO Taurus and his last 4 digits of his Indiana license plate was 2964.
After finishing up his report I asked him if they were going to look into finding the man that did this to me by running the plate number. You would of thought I'd had just asked him the most ridiculous question in the world. He told me they weren't going to do anything and that's why I should be observant when I am hit so I'd be able to give the police more information next time if something like this happens again.
Seriously, are you kidding me, was I supposed to get the guy's social security number and his mother's maiden name? How is it that the person who is hit is the person whose made to feel they've done something wrong? Also, if all you have to do as a police officer is fill out a police report and not do anything else but make innocent people feel like crap, then sign me up, I can so do that!
(On a side note to God, come on give me a break already!)
Sloan went with me to drop off Drew's dry-cleaning today and since we've been playing catch up around the house I dropped off over 15 shirts. Sloan couldn't believe how many shirts I was dropping off and said to me very seriously and caring...
Sloan: Mom, that really is the downside to being married to a professional.
I get that question alot these days and rightfully so, I am blessed to have great friends and a wonderful family that cares about me. Hell, I can't get mad at people for asking, I ask myself everyday how am I feeling!
Years ago my best friend lost her beautiful son shortly after giving birth and I remember at the time how incredibly sad I was for her, but people are right you don't really get it until you go through it yourself and even then you don't really know what they've gone through because everyone is different. I asked her recently how did you get through it and she said, what I have learned from other bad things that I've been through that time helps but the wow moment came when she said, Laurie you are getting through it and she's right, I'm getting through this regardless if I want to or not.
Every morning I wake up, I shower, I get dressed, I eat, I hug Sloan and Drew and tell them I love them and then get through the day. Am I sad? Yes, I am more sad then I probably ever been in my life and I cry alot too, and it comes from nowhere and at no particular time. Everything is still a constant reminder of my girls being gone. My body is starting to feel normal again but for weeks as my body was still recovering I had to be constantly reminded that my girls were gone. As much as I wanted to feel better again I knew once I did it would be another end to what had happened.
Endings are hard, after giving birth, after the memorial, after friends have left the house, after Drew goes back to work, etc., again reminders life goes on regardless if you want it to.
Then there are little things, like Sloan going back to school next week, in my mind I had thought of this time and I would've been 7 months pregnant, or when the fall festival was going on I would've been ready to pop or when Sloan went on her girl scout camping trip I'd have to stay home because it was on the bubble of me giving birth or the fact we were going to stay home and have Christmas alone because we didn't want to travel with the girls yet. I know as those events happen its going to be hard for me.
Its also extremely hard for me to go out, everywhere I look there are pregnant women or people walking with strollers and I can't help but feel sorry for myself and think why not us, why aren't they here? The worse so far was going to the fair last night getting stuck behind a couple with identical twin baby girls and then 10 minutes later not being able to get away from a baby that wouldn't stop crying. Lets just say my body or (boobs) were responding pretty heavily to this crying baby and again its just another kick to the gut.
Everytime a card comes to our house or someone sends flowers its a reminder of the loss. Hospital and doctor bills the size of a mortgage (yes a mortgage that could buy a beautiful house in Zionsville) with nothing to show for is a reminder. The reminders never seem to end.
I am sad and then get angry and I go from 0-100 in a matter of minutes. I can't help but think at least 100 times a day I should still be pregnant, I should still be feeling the babies kick and move, I should still be bitching about heartburn and swollen feet and my family should still be excited about how great its going to be to have 2 little girls in our lives. What about all the pretty clothes in their closets (that I can't bear to look at) and late night feedings and fights over whose going to change their diapers? What about our plans to buy a new swing set or playtime in the blow up pool? What about their first day of preschool and Christmas programs and what about worrying about how we're going to pay for them to go to college?
I thought it be easier, I didn't have time to know them like I know Sloan but its just as hard, I knew them, I carried them, I loved them and I had the same hopes and dreams for them. Can we have another baby, of course but they won't be Harper and Nora. Am I grateful for Sloan, yes, I always have been, but I'm still sad about our loss. I know I'm still basically the same person now as I was prior to this, if you're my friend and I know in my heart you're my friend if you ask me how I'm doing I'll tell you, but if you knew me in 3rd grade and haven't talked to me since but asked me on facebook how I'm doing I'll delete my account and become that more private, that's nothing new. Will I get what needs to get done and be a good mom and wife, hell yes, but will I scream at you out of the blue when I've held it in for too long, of course, I am still basically the same person I have always been all my life. I'm stubborn and if you expect me to act a certain way I will probably act the opposite way just in spite of you, but will need you even more if I have always cared about you, but you gotta let me do it my way. (I'm a pain in the ass remember)
So how I am feeling? I'm getting through this but its going to take time, how much, I don't know, but I do know this, as much as I am the same person, the old Laurie will probably never come back, I already know I've changed because of this, and can only hope everyone accepts the new Laurie.
Our girls, Nora Kristine and Harper Elizabeth did not make it and I gave birth to them on July 30th after a long and hard labor. The girls were very tiny and very beautiful. I'm not really ready to talk about things yet but I do want to thank our family and friends for being so incredibly supportive. I am also very thankful to my doctor who was beyond amazing and the nurses who took such good care of my family and myself. Most of all I want to thank Sloan and especially Drew for helping me get through this and am blessed to say we've only become closer because of this tragedy.
Sometimes saying hello and good-bye in the same day is worth the sorrow.
